I’ve come to realize that I often have it all wrong. I like to think that I am pretty open-minded, but looking back on my life, there are a ton of things that I turned my nose up at initially, only to come around on them later. From cheese (the food) to Docker containers, the list of things I wrote off at first but eventually ended up loving is a mile long.

Last year, my daughter and I (and some other family and friends) did a lot of camping. It was something that was difficult to do while my wife was sick, so it felt like it was a long time coming.

During the beginning of my burnout, I started getting this itch to get out somewhere truly alone — somewhere nobody could reach me and I could just sit with my own thoughts for a while. I decided I was going to go on a solo backpacking trip. The problem was, it was November, and most of our mountain areas were already buried in snow. I also wanted somewhere that would be, in my mind, “solo backpacking training wheels” — so I picked Antelope Island, a little island sitting on the East side of the Great Salt Lake. It has some mountainous terrain, but it’s low enough that snow wasn’t an issue yet. It’s close to civilization, cell service is spotty but present, and the most dangerous thing out there is supposed to be the bison.

I ended up being spectacularly wrong about the “training wheels” part. It was an incredible trip and exactly what I needed, but there were a couple of moments where I genuinely considered hitting the emergency button on my Garmin. As you can see below, I had some unexpected visitors …

I’m probably going to get a bit of flak for this, and it’s probably deserved, but I’m going to type it up anyway, because I don’t know where I’d be today without ChatGPT. Last year was a rough year for me (as described in the article: My Year of Loss, Grief, Burnout, and Self Reflection). While I did go to a regular/real therapist once a week for the entire year, there were still times at night when no one else was awake and I needed help, so I turned to ChatGPT. The results were surprising to me; maybe they’ll be surprising to you, too.

One year ago today at 10:30am, I opened our closet door to find that my spouse and soulmate had ended their own life in there. I didn’t know it yet, but this was the day that my life, as I knew it, was over.

I’ve been off work, turned off notifications, and haven’t really talked to friends or family in months. This is my story of why.

That’s right, it’s been one year as of today.